The Reality of Divorce

"In 1997, one million children in America were involved in divorce. One in three American children were born to unmarried parents." (www.divorcemagazine.com)

In one year, one million kids were involved in divorce and the rate has been steady ever since. Why you say? Well, we can't really get into that without looking into each divorce case that exists. And that's not going to happen. I can however give you my personal experience and the experience of many of the people I know that have been through it.

First, let me say that I think life is too short to be involved in something that you don't really enjoy.
Second, if you don't feel safe and loved then why would you continue to torture yourself for the rest of your life with someone because of principle.

People change...circumstances change...goals change...life changes...
If you can't figure out a way to live life with your partner while things are constantly changing, then maybe it's not the right partner.

Divorce is imminent with some people. You can see it when they are standing at the alter. Unfortunately, you never know it until it's too late. Hindsight is 20/20. After my divorce, many people (maybe trying to make me feel better) would say..'I knew she wasn't right for you'. Well it's funny how everyone knows it but the person that should know it.

Ok, so we know that divorce happens for many different reasons. Some are as simple as just falling out of love with each other. However, most of the time it is something more substantial than that. Like, domestic violence, cheating, money, drugs and or drinking. Doesn't sound like fun does it?

In any case, whatever the reason, you usually don't want to be around that person anymore. In some cases never, but in cases involving children the parents will encounter each other often while exchanging the kids. This can be a very annoying and unnerving exchange when two people do not like each other. That is why they got divorced in the first place isn't it? You try counseling, you go to church, you consult your family, but if the two of you just can't make it work because you don't like each other then that's it. If it's more than that, like your spouse cheated on you or beat you..then there is even more frustration at having to see that person again. You don't want them in your life period.

Unfortunately, when kids are involved it's much different. What isn't different is that the parents getting divorced still dislike each other. Too many divorced parents lose site of why they are still together after getting divorced. Well, that question is simple. Because of the kids!!!! After all being a parent is the most selfless thing a person can do. It's not about el numero uno..it's about the kids. Too many divorced parents get on a power trip about control of the kids.
And that is why we have divorce lawyers! Along with the judge, the divorce lawyers draw up a document to guide two people that dislike each other on the new rules of their relationship. Sometimes it's joint custody, sometimes the father gets visitation, sometimes the mother gets visitation..it all depends on the nature of the divorce and the willingness of both parties to put aside their egos and focus on the kids. More often than not the kids are going to spend a larger part of their life with the parent with full custody unless joint custody has been awarded. It is this parents job to nurture, educate, love, discipline and then set free. What is the other parents job you ask? Exactly the same! Remember..it's about the kids. They should be able to expect the same from each parent. They should feel safe, they should be loved, the should learn and they should be taught right from wrong.

Pretty simple..basically you have to be there for your kid through thick and thin no matter what is going on in your life. Because remember this isn't about you..this is about them. Kids should not be used as a tool for revenge and kids should not be involved in the politics of a divorce. It's already hard enough for them as it is..they have multiple families, multiple aunts, uncles, grandma's, grandpa's. The never know what bed they are waking up in, they sometimes get mixed up in their surroundings because they are trying to keep track of two different lives. One life with Dad and one life with Mom. I respect a kid that can get through it without souring their outlook on marriage or life in general.

I didn't grow up in a divorced home and my life was crazy..i couldn't even imagine what it would have been like. My mother and father drove me everywhere. We so badly wanted to buy my mom a real taxi because that is what it felt like. They took us everywhere. All four of us played sports year around. We never took a day off from sports. It didn't matter if mom needed her hair done or dad had a golf outing. If we had practice or a game or a dentist appointment we were going and they were canceling. It's selfless and that is why I thank my parents now because I understand how much they have done for my brothers and I. Every parent wants their kids to be more than them. You want them to have more fun, see more places, do more things, make more money..you want them to have it all. It's just human nature.

If your kids have an opportunity at school or with friends you want to be there to support them. The more opportunities you take away from them the less they get to experience. I wanted to experience everything when I was a kid. Fortunately, my parents let me do almost all of it. Except maybe catapulting my brother in a home made contraption. All I'm saying is that kids in a divorced family seem to grow up quicker. They don't have a chance to 'just be a kid' because they learn to much about the politics of life early on. Kids should be kids for as long as they can. Because you and I both know that it doesn't last long. If a friend invites them to the park..go! If a friend wants to build a rocketship out of cardboard..build! If a friend wants you to go on a family vacation with her..GO! Because before you know it you'll only get 2 weeks a year to spend on vacation.

When divorced parents start playing the me..me..me..card it only hurts the children.
When divorced parents put themselves first in front of the kids it only hurts the children.
When divorced parents use harassment or revenge techniques against each other it only hurts the children.
When there isn't stability or love then it only hurts the children.

Divorced parents need to assess their level of involvement:
Do you love your children?
Would you do anything for your children?
Would you put your children's activities before yours?
Do you spend time educating your children to succeed in life?
Are you willing to be in the background of your children's life while they take the forefront?
When you make plans do you think of yourself first or the children?
When you make decisions in regards to your children's life do you just think how you fit in or are you genuinely doing the best for them?
Do your children feel a sense of safety and security with you?
Do your children trust that you will always have their backs?
Do your children know that you are making the best decisions for them and not you?
Are you willing to let your children go if it means their life would be better?

Unfortunately, divorce is a part of life and will never go away unless we stop marrying. Divorced parents have a choice to make. Do you want to be involved in your children's life or don't you? Notice how I said 'your children's life'...remember it's not about you! Kids have a life of their own and if you don't keep up you might miss it. It would certainly suck if you made them miss it too. Being a part of a child's life is similar to boarding the screaming eagle at Six Flags. You just pray for the best and hold on for your life because you are going on the ride of your life. Don't hold them up and whatever you do don't destroy their dreams.